The Overcomers Guide for Recovering Jerks:

    Men are jerks! All men are by nature; even the best of us have the natural tendency to say and do things that are seen by others, especially by women, as acting like a jerk.
 
    This study is for the brothers, disciples who have recognized their sin and have come to Christ to receive forgiveness and who recognize that they still have the sinful nature that needs to be continually overcome on a daily basses, by the taking up the cross daily and follow Christ, Luke 9:23 [I]
    I am fully convinced that men, especially disciples do not deliberately disregard the feelings and concerns of others, and so start acting like jerks, but we are still sinners, even though we are forgiven. I have the opinion that men do seem to have difficulty, and frequently a lot of difficulty making and continually keeping a connection with the feelings and concerns of others, especially with the women in our lives and that men tend to express themselves in ways that can at times seem to be dismissive of those feelings and concerns.
 
    Brothers, take heart, Jesus has overcome this as well. John 16:33 [I] You are already on the path that leads to spiritual maturity as you daily seek to become true imitators of Christ: I hope that this study will be helpful in this struggle to overcome this particular area of “Self” that needs to be brought under control of the spirit.
    This study is also for the Sisters who must put up with our many failings. It is my hope that you will come to have greater understanding and sympathy for us and will help us to grow by providing positive encouragement when it is needed.
    I hope you enjoy this lesson and will find it helpful in the spiritual battle that we face.
 
Table of Contents:
Pg 1   Intro
          Table of Contents
Pg 2   Key
           Key Verse
          To be forewarned it to be forearmed:
          “It’s Not About the Nail”
Pg 3   Definition of Jerk: Merriam-Webster:
Pg 4   Key Verses
          Treats of a Fool:
          Selfishness:
Pg 5   Where we Fail Most:
Pg 6   Insights From the Sisters
Pg 7   Some Practical Applications:
          Sometimes we stop listening while we wait to speak:
          Have your Brothers Back:
Pg 8   How to Treat Others: Love is the Ultimate Answer:
Pg 9   Concluding Thoughts:
          List of Applications from this study:
Pg 10 Other comments and verses to consider:

FOOTNOTES:
[I]  John 16
33 "I have told you these things, so that in my yu may have peace. In this world you will have trouble,. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

[II] Luke 9 JESUS PREDICTS HIS DEATH: (v21-27)
23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
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Pg 2
Key:
Words in bold RED – The Key word for the verse, Also Positive Characteristic/of God.
Word in bold Black –  Important words of the verse. May be Negative of the World.
() – Added words for clarification; who is speaking, or draw attention.
(II) – Footnote. The verse reference will be at the bottom of the page.
 
KEY VERSE: (1)
Phil 2 Imitating Christ’s Humility (v1-11)
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. (But) Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
 
5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
 
    This study is focused on overcoming the tendency to speak and act in ways that show us to be jerks and to aid in growing in Christ likeness.
 
    Let us begin.
 
To be forewarned it to be forearmed:
    This is a more focused application lesson then the one I did in “Overcoming Self””.  I want to start by looking at some of the traits of being a jerk and find verses that will help me and other men have the resources in scripture to draw on as a source of help and guidance in trying to grow spiritually and so overcome this tendency.
 
    To start, please watch this insightful UTUBE video titled,
 
                                                 “It’s Not About the Nail”

   

    I think this video highlights the stark differences in what the man and woman see as priorities in what needs to be addressed first when facing a problem and how I think the man is perceived as being insensitive to his wife and therefore acting like a jerk. 
    The man is all about wanting to immediately pick up some kind of tool and fix, what to him is the clear cause of the problem, while the women wants him to first, “hear”, understand and affirm the value and importance of how she feels as she faces this problem.
    
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Pg 3

     Now let us see how a Jerk is defined.
 
    The word Jerk does not appear in the Bible so I used the dictionary to define Jerk and then use those words to come up with the verses to use in this study.
 
Definition of Jerk: Merriam-Webster:
1 : A single quick motion of short duration a sudden jerk gave the handle a jerk
2 : Jolting, bouncing, or thrusting motions b :  a tendency to produce spasmodic motions
3 : An involuntary spasmodic muscular movement due to reflex action. b jerks plural :  involuntary twitching due to nervous excitement
>>4a :  An annoyingly stupid or foolish person was acting like a jerk
>>  b :  an unlikable person; especially :  one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded a
        selfish jerk
 
Thesaurus Results: A person whose behavior is offensive to others
    His constant rudeness and insensitivity made everyone think he was a jerk

Synonyms: Beast, Boor, Cad, Clown, Cretin, Heel, Skunk, Stinker
 
Synonyms Defined: Merriam-Webster:
Beast    – An unkind or cruel person  Boor        – a rude or Insensitive person
Cad      – A man who acts with deliberate disregard for another's feelings or rights
Clown   – A rude ill-bred person
Cretin: – A stupid, vulgar, or insensitive person
Heel      – A contemptible person:  A person who is self-centered or untrustworthy,
                    lacking respect for others.
 
    The Bible does not use the work “jerk”, however “Fool” does make a good substitute.
 
Bible Definition of the ultimate Jerk or Fool:
2 Tim 3 Dealing With False Teachers: (v2:14-26 – 3:1-9)
1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
 
    Now we can focus on several treats that are common to both the dictionary and the Bible; Rudeness, selfishness, insensitivity and boasting,
 
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Pg 4

Key Verses to Consider: (4)
Phil 2 Imitating Christ’s Humility: (v1-11)
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
 
Prov 17:28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.
 
Prov 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
 
1 Cor 13 Love Is Indispensable: (v12:31 – 13:1-13)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 
    Where is the starting point for us? Without a doubt being a jerk is an expression of my sinful nature. It is also that boys are inherently different from girls, yes! boys and girls are different, despite political correctness , in the way of thinking and  emotions as well as how we are brought up and influenced by those around me, through family, friends, society in general.  
 
Treats of a Fool:
Prov 25:28 Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control. 
 
Prov 12:15 The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to a advice.
 
    The fool gets wrapped up in the importance of what they are thinking and doing to the extent that they become unaware of how they are seen by others and the effect of those  around them and so they come off as being foolish, It is also an indication of pride, they are unwilling to listen, which shows a tendency to be focused on self too much.
 
Jer 5 Not One Is Upright: (v1-31)
21 Hear this, you foolish and senseless people, who have eyes but do not see, who have ears but do not hear (listen) [i].
 
   There is a clear difference between hearing and listening. Listening is outward focused, It takes more effort than just hearing, it calls for having some concern for/ connection with someone else, whole only hearing can show a lack of such connection.
    In collage I took a class that discussed verbal communication. As part of one class it pointed out in a conversation between two people there is a tendency for each person to  wanting to make their points. This desire be so strong that once they have the point in mind they stop listening to the other person until they get it out. This can go to the extent that the conversation has already passed on to something else, so when they do interject their point it is out of place.

 FOOTNOTE:
[I] NOTE: Watch the Bible Project video Word Study: Shema – “Listen” which gives a very clear explanation of the important difference between the words “hear” and “Listen”

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Pg 5

Selfishness:
Gal 5 Life by the Spirit: (v13-25)
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions.
 
    As disciples we are called to unity with each other in Christ, so saying and doing something that cause divisions. It creates a situation where one wins and the other must lose in some way.This is contrary to God’s intent for us of becoming one with each other and with him in Christ, We should, “…have equal concern for each other.” 1 Cor 12:24-26 [i]
 
Where Men Most Frequently Fail First:
In Speaking: This is where most of my mistakes happen.
James 1 Listening and Doing: (v19-27)
26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.
 
    It is vital that I become master of my tongue.
 
James 3 Taming the Tongue: (v1-12)
5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
 
7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
 
Prov 29:20 Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them.
 
    I think both of these verses this go back to the study I did “Victory over Self”, on the need to overcome the strong influence of my fleshly self because it can so easily distorts the way I think, giving me a twisted, self centered, fleshly rather than a spiritual view and response.
 
Phil 2:3 Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. 
 
    I selected this as a key verse because having more humility it is just what I need.
 
    The fool has no desire to tame the tongue, they don’t seem to care that their boasting is done at the expense of others and themselves; it lifts them up by putting others down.
     I should not need to build up myself before others and so in doing bring them down, but instead I should be more concerned about building up others. Heb 10:24-25 [II]
 
FOOTNOTES:
[I] 1 Cor 12 UNITY AND DIVERSITY IN THE BODY: (v12-31)     
24 while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25 so that there should be NO DIVISION IN THE BODY, but that its parts should HAVE EQUAL CONCERN FOR EACH OTHER. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
 
[II] Heb 10 A CALL TO PERSEVERE IN FAITH: (v29-39)
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

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Pg 6

INSIGHTS FROM THE SISTERS:
    This is where I want to add some insight from the sisters on how they see men around them acting most frequently like jerks, by what and how men talk to them.
 
   “I read the book 'Men Explain things to Me' and its mentions a term I've never heard before "man-splaining". It describes the tendency of men to explain simple concepts to women in a patronizing or condescending way. There seems to be an assumption that women are not as intelligent/ knowledgeable and so things must be explained to them in the most simplistic way possible. I've had MANY instances where this has happened, with colleagues, friends, brothers in the church, and even strangers. It may seem like helpful behavior but it is rude  
 
    When talking to another sister, she said this is something she has encountered too- an assumption that women lack the knowledge/ intellect of men. Specifically as she works in a hospital setting she spoke about the overly arrogant behavior of her coworkers and superiors as Jerks. Basically whenever men assume they know more than women, (which is often) that behavior seems jerk-like. I believe that scripture is in, Phil 2:1-4 [I]”
 
    While I can agree with this assessment, I would make it more general and say that men like to hear themselves talk and will take the opportunity do so in ways that show them in a good light, Prov 18:2 [II], 1 Cor 5:6 [III], Note: It is evil because it is boasting.
 
    I sometimes find myself speaking in a way that I see as shows that I am fishing for complements, or at least to have the person be impressed with something about me because of what I said, thus showing me to be someone who likes to boast.
 
Some Encouragement Please:
    Sisters, when you are confronted with this kind of behavior you can provide a great deal of help for the recovering brother. Having some understanding that this is a lot for us to overcome and can use some real positive encouragement. 1 Peter 3:8-9 [IV] and
 
Prov 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2 The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
 
     Sisters, please try to do this when I may occasionally start to  “gush” folly, do so in a gentle way, it will help me and all men become better aware of what we are saying and doing and the negative effect of our words and actions are having on those around us.
 
FOOTNOTES:
[1]  Phil 2 IMITATING CHRIS’S HUMILITY:                                                        
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, IN HUMILITY VALUE OTHERS ABOVE YOURSELF, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

[II] Prov 18:2 Fools (Jerks) find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.
 
[III]  ! Cor 5 DEALING WITH A CASE OF INCEST: (v1-13)
6 Your boasting is not good. Don’t you know that a little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough?
 
[IV] 1 Peter 3 SUFFERING FOR DOING GOOD: (v8-22)
8 Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

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Pg 7
 
Some Practical Applications:
James 5 The Prayer of Faith: (v13-20)
16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
 
    Once I expose my sin to others it can be more easily confronted and overcome. I now have the support, prayers and hopefully good advice.
 
Prov 17:28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.
 
Rom 12 Humble Service in the Body of Christ: (v1-8)
3 For by the grace given me (Paul) I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
 
Prov 4:26 Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.
 
    I really like Prov 17:28 as a practical application verse. It was pointed out that I need to be careful not to misuse this verse. Remember, the fool is still a fool even if silent.
 
    Controlling my tongue is something I can’t do on my own; it will take the power of the Holy Spirit and true Spiritual Wisdom to control the tongue.
    If I can have enough control to “not speak”, then I at least will be like to fool who is thought wise as long as his mouth is shut.
    This time of silence and hopefully listening can give me the opportunity to consider more fully the path I am about to go down, by considering the consequences of what I will say and choose to continue from a place of humility. I should apply, James 1:19-20 [I] which says I should be quick to listen and slow to speak. vs 20 speaks of becoming angry.  I think becoming defensive out of pride would apply here very well.
 
Have your Brothers Back:
Prov 26:5 Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.
 
    As Brothers in Christ, it is our duty to challenge each other in our behavior and speech, to provide the best advice and encouragement to each other so we can overcome our natural tendencies toward behaving like jerks.
    I think doing a study like this would be especially helpful for young disciples who are still strongly influenced by their old way of thinking, and for brothers who are starting dating relationships, so we can help them learn how to speak to the sister in a way that will be both encouraging and caring, I also encourage having some sisters involved in this to provide their insights as well to help the new dating or married couple communicate better. (Eph 4:29 next page)
 
FOOTNOTES:
[I]James 1 Listening and Doing: (v19-27)
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

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Pg 8

How to Treat Others: Love is the Ultimate Answer:
1 Cor 13 Love is Indispensable: (v12:31 – 13:1-13)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 
Eph 4 Instructions for Christian Living: 17-32)
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
 
    While this is directed toward the church body as a whole, I see a great application in personal relationships, especially between men and women. By becoming aware of the effects of my words, do they build up and encourage or do they shine light only on me?
 
Phil 2 Imitating Christ’s Humility: (v1-11)
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
 
    There is encouragement, comfort, tenderness, compassion and humility all qualities that are outward focused here, all of them are strong forces against the influence of the jerk's mind and heart.
 
1 Peter 3 Living Godly Lives in a Pagan Society: (v2:11 – 3:7)
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
 
    Women are definitely not weak; however women do seem to be more sensitive than men and therefore feel more deeply what I say and how I say it. Therefore, out of consideration I should try to take this into account and think extra hard before I speak.

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Pg 9

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
    A man who may start to act like jerk when with other men, with the same tendency, I think have a threshold of acceptable behavior that is automatically lower than at any other time. They have fewer negative consequences than in other situations. With other men the behavior may be accepted or at least understood and likely overlooked when someone starts to act this way.
 
    This would come under what is called “Situational Ethics”. I would not knowingly talk about hunting and eating rabbits in front of small children who have a pet rabbit, but would at another time with certain others. The first situation would show great insensitivity while the latter is totally acceptable.
 
    I unfortunately like most men I can give a number of examples of “un-intentionally” not being concerned about and more likely not even aware of the feelings of others being hurt, especially the woman in my life, just because it did not occur to me, so be on guard at all times.
 
List of Applications from this study:

• Pray for Each Other: Offer up prayers for each other always.  This is going to be a struggle, so start with prayer.
  
• Become aware: Knowing that by nature I have the tendency to be a jerk it can help me to be on guard against acting like one. This is just another aspect of being a sinner who needs God’s grace, mercy, forgiveness and power of the Holy Spirit to gain victory in this area of my life.
  

• Keep my mouth shut: This is perhaps the first and wisest advice I can find.

            Prov 17:28 says that by keeping my mouth shut I will be thought of as wise.
                                It is hard to put my foot in my mouth if I don’t open it. But being silent
                                does nothing to change me from having the tendency toward being a jerk.

• Give careful thought to what I say: Think of why I am going to say something, does it built up others or me? Eph 4:29 [I], Phil 2:1-4 [II]                                                                        
• Get advice from others; Brothers who understand and have experience in confronting

        this tendency and Sisters who know how to spot the behavior can be a great resource to
        both challenge and encourage any brother in their efforts to gain victory in this area. This
         can be especially useful for those who are entering a dating and marriage relationship. 

• “The Sin of Omission”: The last bit of practical advice is about the tendency to be thoughtless, neglecting to say and do what is an encouragement and helps to build up another person.                                                                                                                                  Don’t neglect the phone calls, encouraging notes to friends, and for the women in your life, do something unexpected, send flowers or the like, just because. Flowers on an anniversary is expected, flowers because it’s Tuesday is not. Doing the unexpected has one key word that makes it work “doing”.
  

• Pray for Each Other: Offer up prayers for each other always.                                                

 
FOOTNOTES:
[I] Eph 4 INSTRUCTIONS FOR CHRISTIAN LIVING: (v17-32)
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is HELPFUL for BUILDING others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
 
[II] Phil 2 IMITATING CHRIST’S HUMILITY: (v1-11)                  
1 Therefore if you have any ENCOURAGEMENT from being united with Christ, if any COMFORT from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any TENDERNESS and COMPASSION, 2 then make my joy complete by being LIKE-MINDED, having the same LOVE, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in HUMILITY value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
 
   Not communicating can be just as much as sign of being a selfish, lazy, jerk then failing to show enough concern to give careful thought to what I say and do. James 4:17 [I], Heb 10:24-25 [II]

FOOTNOTES:
[I] James 4 BOASTING OF TOMORROW: (v13-17)
17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.
 
[II] Heb 10  A CALL TO PERSEVERE IN FAITH: (v19-39)
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but ENCOURAGING one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

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Pg 10
 
OTHER COMMENTS and VERSES to consider: (7 verses)
Ps 12:3 May the Lord silence all flattering lips and every boastful tongue--
 
Prov 15:28 The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked (Jerk) gushes evil.
 
John 13 Jesus Predicts Peter’s Denial: (v31-38)
34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
 
1 Cor 10 The Believer’s Freedom: (v23-33)
24 No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.
 
2 Tim 2 Dealing With False Teachers: (v14-26)
23 Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.
 
1 Peter 3 Suffering for Doing Good: (v8-22)
8 Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For,
 
“Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech.

11 They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”(Ps 34:12-16)
 
1 Peter 4 Living for God: (v1-11)
10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.